My Feelings on our miscarriage
There’s something unique about the pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes. The pain of Miscarriage is PAINFUL. This is a life I never thought I would have to experience. I keep telling myself that this isn’t the end of our baby-making and that there is life after, but I don’t seem to believe myself. However, I am trying to remain positive through pregnancy loss. I keep getting asked over on Instagram, and from family and friends, how I am feeling, and I keep saying, “I’m ok,” but there’s so much behind the “I’m ok,” and sometimes I’m NOT Ok. There are moments that I’m on the better side of “ok”. At other times, I want to crawl into a ball and cry. I want my questions answered, and I want a WHY.
Miscarriage is a rollercoaster of emotions. I wouldn’t say I like rollercoasters, and I’m not too fond of this rollercoaster at all. Why didn’t this baby get to grow and live in my belly? Why didn’t my body do what it needed to do and protect it? What was the cause? Was it stress? Was it my eating habits? I want to shout from the top of my lungs. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN!? And have it answered. Unfortunately, reality sets in, and I realize ill never get those answers, and I’ll never hold my baby, and so I cry. I cry when no one is looking, and wipe them away the moment I have to face someone because I don’t want the questions, I don’t want the pity, because I AM ok.
I won’t sugarcoat the fact that miscarriage is devastating, sad, and I am angry. There is absolutely nothing like walking into an appt to meet your baby for the first time and walking out hearing you had a missed miscarriage. This experience has brought out the anger that I didn’t know existed. Anger from different situations in life that I thought didn’t exist because I was the “bigger person” and moved on; however, I seem to be feeling it now. I want to have minimal conversations with everyone. I don’t want to have in-depth discussions, and sometimes I want to walk by you and not say a word. This is pregnancy loss, its an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I stop and think, Am I being selfish? Reality is I probably am, but at this moment, I am not sorry. I want to be selfish; I only want to think about me, my husband, and my kids. our feelings first, and I choose to put them first. For this reason, it’s easier to have minimal conversations with those around me, so I haven’t done much talking, and I don’t want too.
Pregnancy loss is cruel and oh so hurtful. I hope that soon I can get back to being myself, that I want to be the chatty person I am so used to being, and that although ill never get passed this, that ill get through it. I’m not sure when, or how long, but I hope its sooner than later. My heart hurts and I’m ready for it to hurt a little less.
Staying Grateful + Positive through Pregnancy Loss
Lastly, I am remaining grateful, through the pain. Grateful that I have been able to carry two healthy pregnancies full term and have a four-year-old and 1 year old. I see the light at the end of the tunnel when I remind myself that I hold the title of being “mom” to two beautiful little girls that I get to hold and love for the rest of our days. So many women go through miscarriages, and long to be a mom, and haven’t had a chance, and so I feel guilty when I am sad. My girls are my world so much so that I long to be a mom for one more little one. I am positive my time will come again. Every woman that wishes to be a mom deserves to be one, and my heart is with each and everyone that is going through this.
There are so many positive things going on right now, and I try to think about all the positive to keep myself distracted. Nothing great comes from negativity, so I remain grateful and positive through the process.
Thankful for the Support
I can’t say it enough. I am so thankful for each one of you during this miscarriage journey. Thank you for the overwhelming love you have shown, whether it be through a comment on Instagram, Dm, or text message. THANK YOU! I am so grateful for the support I have received. Thankful for the prayers, the stories, and again, the love. I wouldn’t be able to get through this alone. Moments like this, I am grateful that I have a community rooting me on, thankful that we decided to move back home because my family has been incredibly helpful. My mom picked up the girls as soon as we found out so we could rest and process things, my aunt took the day off for my surgery, my grandma and other aunt have helped watch my girls, and I would be at a loss without them. Last but not least, My husband who didn’t leave my side from the moment we got the news, and my girls who without knowing keep me going.